I love being a Mum. I love all the little rituals the boys, Kev and I have created. I love those cuddles that come any time day or night (okay so I don't like being woken up, but the cuddles are still precious). Being a Mum is far more than I could have hoped for and far more than I ever dreamed...
BUT... sometimes I feel like I am drowning. One more diagnosis. One more bit of news to digest. One more activity to work on. I sometimes wonder how I can fit it all in and still survive. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware of how fortunate we are to have Mitch & Harry. They are precious beyond all measure. BUT... I am perpetually on the edge of collapse and I hate feeling like I can't do it all. I am so fortunate to be surrounded and supported by good family and friends and a beautiful husband, but I sometimes feel like I am trying to accomplish the impossible.
On one hand I have Mitch who is relatively easy going, very affectionate and in a lot of ways a lot younger than his brother. He just coasts along and takes life as it comes. But he is still not toilet trained and he has started telling me it makes him sad. My heart just breaks when I hear this, after all none of this is his fault, his poor tone and lack of sensation means that it happens before he realises it. He struggles with his motor skills and it is a rare day he comes home from kindy without a grazed knee.
And then I have Harry, my complicated little guy. Who needs me so much ALL of the time that I feel worn out. If I go outside to the shed where our computer is, he stands crying at the door asking me to come back. He seems to seek my constant approval, but at the same time is the one who is more wilful and inclined to push the boundaries. His meltdowns are something to behold - he can maintain a screaming pitch for over 30 mins and gets worked up to such a state that there is nothing I can do to settle him.
And at the end of a day where Harry has screamed continuously for an hour, and Mitchell has soiled himself yet again, I sometimes wonder whether I am capable of dealing with another day. But like all parents I just hope and pray tomorrow will be a better day.
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10 comments:
Hi,
Your doing a good job - I too am a mother I have now an almost 2 year old little boy. (2 in late march 09) I can understand where the time has gone. I love playing with him, rocking him and holding him.
Aidan as your little one can work himself into fevour pitch - over not much at all "to us" - but it is the end of the world to him.
He is trying to master his world and feel confident and when it is all to much, he will scream and then head bang - to the point where he supports brusies on his forehead.
So your right parenthood can be tough - but i would not give it up for the world, although most of the time i have trouble believing that I am a mum, and he is my son!
My dear friend I know exactly what you are feeling. Sometimes it's inadequacy I'm feeling and sometimes frustration and other times just downright FATIGUE!
Thank goodness we know others in the same boat so we can vent and get it off our chest!
Dear Rhonda,
Thank you for your kind words - I know you are going through your own battles at the moment. It DOES help to be able to share these worries.
Hugs,
Your friend,
Lisa xx
Dear Aidan's Mom,
Thank you for your perspective. I sometimes can't believe I am a Mum either.
Hugs,
Lisa xx
I struggle every day with parenting, no matter how much I love them, I do find it a struggle, and although I have been a parent for 17 years now, I find that everyday is a challenge in some way! Being a parent is a mixture of highs and lows...I know I find it harder when I am tired also, or feel unappreciated in my marriage...having a supportive relationship can certainly help get one through each day. No matter how hard it gets, I remind myself that I nearly lost one child to cancer, and so I learned to appreciate even hearing crying or yelling...because it means he is alive! Thanks for being honest about your daily struggle...it does make me feel less alone too. :)
Hi,
I stumbled across your site while searching for something else on google, but I can't even remember what it was as I got engrossed in reading your past posts and 40minutes later, had to comment! You have such a great attitude towards life and are so positive about your lovely sounding sons. I also love your scrapbook pages, so inventive! You put my efforts to shame, but also make me resolve to work harder!!
Its been really interesting reading your posts about some of the issues your boys are facing- I'm in my mid twenties and recently diagnosed as dyspraxic and its only recently I've seen the things in my life that dyspraxia touches upon, and sometimes the weirdest strength can come out of a 'weakness'. I've always thought its strange that for someone clumsy and uncordinated, I've been able to touch type for years without trying, and with a fast typing speed!!! A dyspraxia specialist recently told me that its actually quite common, as touch typing requires fewer co ordinated movements that single finger typing. I mention this (albeit in a rather long winded way) because its so great to read about all the strengths your boys have, despite hurdles they have to overcome!
Your boys seem so loving and caring, perhaps there is some validity in the idea that they are so empathetic because they know what its like to have to try hard??
Anyway, enough waffle, again, I really do love your scrapbook pages, you've inspired me to get my stuff out the loft and get creative this weekend.
Lucy
Dear Ceci,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. And thank you for making me realise (once again) that I am not alone in facing the struggles with being the best parent I can be.
Hugs,
Lisa xx
Dear Lucy,
I am so glad that my scrapping inspired you - it is a wonderful outlet for me :-)
And thank you for taking the time to read my blog and respond.
Hugs,
Lisa xx
Hugs Lisa. Hang in there. Certain aspects to preemie care do get easier as they get older. Yes there will be new stresses and concerns but they seem to be a bit more manageable.
Stacy
Thanks Stacy,
Hugs,
Lisa xx
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