I love being a Mum. I love all the little rituals the boys, Kev and I have created. I love those cuddles that come any time day or night (okay so I don't like being woken up, but the cuddles are still precious). Being a Mum is far more than I could have hoped for and far more than I ever dreamed...
BUT... sometimes I feel like I am drowning. One more diagnosis. One more bit of news to digest. One more activity to work on. I sometimes wonder how I can fit it all in and still survive. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware of how fortunate we are to have Mitch & Harry. They are precious beyond all measure. BUT... I am perpetually on the edge of collapse and I hate feeling like I can't do it all. I am so fortunate to be surrounded and supported by good family and friends and a beautiful husband, but I sometimes feel like I am trying to accomplish the impossible.
On one hand I have Mitch who is relatively easy going, very affectionate and in a lot of ways a lot younger than his brother. He just coasts along and takes life as it comes. But he is still not toilet trained and he has started telling me it makes him sad. My heart just breaks when I hear this, after all none of this is his fault, his poor tone and lack of sensation means that it happens before he realises it. He struggles with his motor skills and it is a rare day he comes home from kindy without a grazed knee.
And then I have Harry, my complicated little guy. Who needs me so much ALL of the time that I feel worn out. If I go outside to the shed where our computer is, he stands crying at the door asking me to come back. He seems to seek my constant approval, but at the same time is the one who is more wilful and inclined to push the boundaries. His meltdowns are something to behold - he can maintain a screaming pitch for over 30 mins and gets worked up to such a state that there is nothing I can do to settle him.
And at the end of a day where Harry has screamed continuously for an hour, and Mitchell has soiled himself yet again, I sometimes wonder whether I am capable of dealing with another day. But like all parents I just hope and pray tomorrow will be a better day.